


The Kissing Game

by Cellardoor26



Category: Haters Back Off (TV)
Genre: AU, Episode Tag, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 01:40:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12495612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cellardoor26/pseuds/Cellardoor26
Summary: What if Bethany and Uncle Jim begin their whirlwind romance in Season One? Specifically after the episode: Becuming a Magichin, when Patrick is newly injured and Miranda is extremely excited to play this fun and hilarious game?





	The Kissing Game

Miranda thinks the kissing game is hilarious and lots of fun. 

Well, it’s VERY annoying how no one will tell her the “complicated” rules, but Miranda is extremely resourceful and she will figure it out. 

rool 1. fam = 3 poynts. 

Miranda is sure of that rule, because no matter how many times she kisses her family on the lips she only gets three points each time. She tried to kiss them on the forehead and cheek to see if that changed the points but her mom just smiled at her and told her she was such a good girl, so Miranda will stick to lips, thank you very much.

Beyond this rule Miranda is getting nowhere! She keeps asking if height difference gets more points because then you’d have to jump or go on your tippy toes but no one will give her a straight answer and anyway her family is being so annoying and they won’t tell her anything! 

Miranda really wants to ask Patrick the rules because he never keeps things from her but he has been so weird lately!! And he keeps looking at her without saying anything ever since she spent the whole night sleeping in that chair next to him at the hospital when he got stabbed. It makes her feel like she’s swallowed a hundred butterflies only she’s never eaten a bug.

 

rool 2. mom & uncl jim = 16 poynts

“I told you Miranda, it’s just a game.” Bethany says, like it was the most annoying question to answer and not perfectly reasonable.

“I know! But why do you get so many points when you kiss Uncle Jim?”

“Well..”

“And you keep kissing so many times! You’re going to get so many more points than me!” 

“Well, that’s because, because, well because we, your Uncle Jim and I, well, we’re, we’re not-” Mom looks like she has no idea what to say, or that she's afraid to say it. 

“Not related?” Miranda asks, remembering all those times her father told her that Uncle Jim isn’t really related to Bethany and only a paternity test proved he’s related to her. 

“Yes!” Bethany looks relieved. “Exactly! Now why don’t you go hang out with Patrick? Weren’t you going to practice magic?”

“Well Patrick has been stuck in bed because of my stabbing him even though I didn’t stab him in the leg so he should be able to pedal over and give me my Froze Toes but his parents are being so mean about making sure he gets plenty of rest!”

“Oh yes honey, well go have fun!” 

rool 2 revised: if ur not related = 16 poynts 

Miranda isn’t any good at math because Bethany always forgets to teach her, but she knows Uncle Jim and Bethany have so many 16s and she only has a handful of 3s, and Emily swears she’ll hide all of Miranda’s lipstick if Miranda kisses her again, so Miranda has no idea how she’s going to win this game. But she has to win this game. She has to. 

 

rool 3: kisser = gets poynts 

rool 4: steel poynts = kiss rite bak 

Miranda only found out this rule by accident! She was trying to decide which song she’d sing on youtube next when she heard Emily yell like she was grossed out but also annoyed. 

“What’s going on?” Miranda asks, tearing out of her closet with her tiara still on, excited and suspicious. 

“Uh.” They all say at once. 

“Oh Miranda I can’t live this lie anymore” Uncle Jim bellows, while Emily and Bethany look at Uncle Jim in total alarm. 

“Yes you can! Yes you can,” Bethany says, and lung at Uncle Jim, kissing him. “See Miranda, we’re playing the kissing game and uh, and-”

“Mom took her points back!” Emily yells as if she had just thought of it and was not explaining a complicated rule.

“But then what’s the lie.” Miranda asks suspiciously. 

“Uh.” They repeat, looking at each other. 

“I was counting kisses that I didn’t give!” Uncle Jim says his voice turning up at the end of the sentence as though what he’s saying is a question and not a statement. 

“Uncle Jim!” Miranda is aghast. “That’s a lie!” 

“I know! It’s terrible.” 

“Well.” Miranda says, now suspiciously level headed, “I know what we’ll do. We’ll make a poster that you have to mark your kisses so that way no more lying!!” And the entire family makes it, even Emily, who complains the whole time and doesn’t let Miranda put anywhere near as much glitter as you're supposed to.

 

The next day, when Patrick's bike bell finally rings Miranda stops everything she’s doing and runs outside. 

“Patrick!” She yells, so excited to see him on his bike at her driveway she doesn’t chastise him for being so late. “How are you?” She asks as he sits on his bike, looking tired and breathing in big loud gasps. 

“Oh, you know.” He gets out, looking at her in Miranda’s favorite Patrick stare, like she’s all he wants to pay attention to. 

“I don’t know!” Miranda bursts out, “Because you haven’t been over in days and your parents would never let me see you when I went over because you were always ‘sleeping’.” Miranda is proud because she remembered to use air quotes, even if she doesn’t know why you’re supposed to use them, but Patrick doesn’t look impressed; he looks completely surprised, like he wasn’t expecting her to say that.

“Oh, I didn’t know you came by.”

“Uh yeah Patrick, like seven hundred times.” Miranda blows out a huge breath and then says, “Can I have my Froze Toes now please?” And she makes her voice get louder at the end to show that she’s tired of waiting because Patrick is moving sooo slowly. 

“Oh yeah, yes.” He’s smiling as he gets her the popsicle and Miranda is so happy when she puts the dessert in her mouth. “Mmm so delicious.” Patrick is still looking at her and the butterflies come back. 

When Patrick pops her bubble she realizes how close Patrick is standing next to her and she can’t help but remember she’s been dying to ask him about the kissing game. Only as she opens her mouth she realizes if she asks him about the kissing game and all the rules they’ll start playing and then he’ll kiss her first and get all the points!! Miranda still really wants to win, so she does the smart thing and kisses him first. 

Miranda supposes she thought it would feel like kissing Uncle Jim or Emily but instead this is like when she rode on the back of Patrick’s bike the first time or when he showed her the box of real magic, and the world stops existing except for the both of them. Miranda can feel her whole body warming up and it's like she never ate the popsicle to begin with, and Miranda never wants to stop. When they finally break apart Patrick speaks first, reverently, 

“I have your gum.” And Miranda realizes it’s not in her mouth anymore. 

“That’s all right, I still got the 16 points.” Patrick looks instantly confused, but Miranda smiles at him. “Bye Patrick. See you tomorrow! Good luck!” She tells him before going back inside, excited to mark the 16 on the family poster. Patrick stands at the curb so long his knees creak when he starts to bicycle away, nearly forgetting to grab her discarded Popsicle stick. 

 

The next day after that Miranda is excited for her Froze Toes and 16 points. She’s worried that now that Patrick knows she knows about the game he’ll kiss her first to get the 16 points, so Miranda decides to sacrifice her frozen treat to get her points first. 

She doesn’t expect to see Patrick in a bow tie and it throws her through a loop and makes her a bit shy, like this is a different Patrick than the one she sees everyday. 

“Hi Patrick.” She says, “You look nice.” Patrick smiles one of his smiles where his lips move so quick you almost can’t see them but Miranda loves that smile anyway, so it doesn’t matter. 

“Thanks Miranda.” He looks like he’s about to ask her a question but Miranda knows this is a fake out to get the kiss first so she steals the idea from him. 

“I have a question Patrick.” He looks very serious and excited, and nods, 

“Yes?” While he’s being quiet and waiting for her to ask her question (“Such a gentlemen”, Miranda thinks.) Miranda grabs his shoulders and kisses him. Patrick seems totally surprised and doesn’t move for a moment before he kisses her back, making Miranda forget to jump back and tell him she’s way better at this game than him. The kiss goes on for so long Miranda completely forgets why it started in the first place, and Patrick is kissing with such enthusiasm Miranda wonders if you can get more points by effort, but before Miranda can think of a way to outdo Patrick's efforts her body touches Patrick’s bike by mistake and the bell goes off. 

“Oh!” Miranda says, completely surprised, even though she made the noise. 

“Miranda.” Patrick says in a tone that fills Miranda with contact longing, like she is aching for Patrick even though he’s standing right in front of her. 

“I still think the points are mine.” Miranda says, although the length of these kisses are confusing her, and Patrick seemed to work harder than she did. Still, fair's fair and she started the kiss. 

“Wha, what?” Patrick asks, but Miranda is already onto other topics. 

“Can I have my Froze Toes please?” Miranda asks, and she means to make it sound whiny so that he’ll do it right away, but her voice feels weird, more hopeful than whiny. 

When he hands her a Froze Rose Miranda feels this weird sense of happiness, even though a part of her is yelling that it doesn’t look right, that this isn't her normal order!

She still eats it though, and Patrick pops her bubble like usual, so she guesses a Froze Rose is alright, sometimes. 

 

The third morning Patrick is so early she’s still in her pajamas when she hears his bell. Miranda is cranky as she stomps outside. 

“Patrick!” She yells, “It’s too early for Froze Toes, the sun isn’t even all the way up yet!” But Miranda feels bad that she yelled at Patrick when she sees his face, he looks horrible, like he stayed up all late, or ate ten cans of Pascgetti. 

“Miranda, I need to know...” Patrick trails off, but Miranda is used to that, so she just stares up at him, waiting for him to get the rest of his sentence out. While she’s waiting Miranda keeps looking at Patrick’s face, noticing how much she likes his hair, how his eyes squish up and that his forehead is so smooth. Without meaning to Miranda finds herself gazing at Patrick, eyes wide and smiling slightly, and Patrick loses his train of thought completely. The moment stretches and Patrick touches her, his hands cradling her face. Miranda feels her heart pumping so hard and fast she's surprised Patrick doesn't ask about it, but he might be distracted because he leans down and kisses her. Miranda’s first thought is to curse Patrick that he gets the points, but she doesn’t get a full handle on that before she throws her arms around him and kisses him back. 

When they finally break apart Patrick’s resting his forehead on hers and she thinks this should be worth points it feels so good. Yet when the cold seeps into her pajamas Miranda moves away. 

“I’ll see you later Patrick.” Miranda tells him

“Oh, um, ok.” Patrick says in reply, and Miranda smiles, “I’ll try to get those points back!” She calls out to him before she shuts the door. 

 

Miranda is up so early she sees Emily making breakfast, something healthy like french toast, and goes over to her to gloat. 

“Guess what Emily?”

“You’ve finally worked out how to use an alarm clock?” Emily asks, her back turned to Miranda as she cracks an egg.

Miranda spares a thought to remember if she has. 

“No silly, I’m going to win the kissing game.” 

“Ha, that'll be pretty difficult with Mom and Uncle Jim.” Emily says, her tone bitter. She turns on a burner as she whisks the egg; the stove takes forever to heat up.

“I know! That's why I got my very own kissing partner.” Miranda says, smug and self assured. 

“Oh yeah? And who would that be?” Emily asks as she puts a precise and healthy amount of butter in the pan. 

“Patrick.” This response stills every movement of Emily, and she slowly turns to Miranda. 

“What?!” Her voice is loud but quiet at the same time, like she wants to shout but doesn’t want to wake the house. Miranda doesn’t have the same worry; if she’s up, so should everyone. 

“YEP!” She sings, “We’ve kissed three times. Well I only get the points for the first two because Patrick kissed me first the last time, and I forgot to kiss him back right away, but I bet it still counts if I kiss him later today when he comes back.” Miranda looks so excited and happy that Emily might have changed her response if she’d seen her face, but Emily was currently pacing their kitchen, freaking out. 

“Oh my god! I can’t believe this! This is what we get for lying to you! Miranda! The game isn’t real and we made you mess up the healthiest friendship you’ve ever had! The only friendship you’ve ever had!” 

“Emily, what are you talking about?” Miranda asks, the high she’s been feeling since kissing Patrick mixing with Emily’s anxiety and the weird things she’s been saying. 

“Miranda, Uncle Jim and Mom have been dating, and they didn’t want to deal with the emotional fallout of you finding out, so they made up the kissing game; it doesn’t exist.”

“What?! Yes it does! Otherwise how could a game be fake if it has a lot of complicated rules?” Miranda asks, sure this will point out the flaw in Emily's thinking. 

“We made them up as we went along!” Bursts out of Emily, and she throws her hands up into the air to highlight her words. 

Miranda all of a sudden feels very cold. 

“But.. Mom and Uncle Jim are dating?”

“I’m afraid so.” Emily concurs. 

“And the kissing game is fake?” Miranda asks, her lip trembling. 

“Well, yes.” Emily says, her voice turning concerned as she notices Miranda’s reaction for the first time. 

“Then,” Continues Miranda on the verge of tears, “I can’t kiss Patrick anymore?” 

“Uh, well.” Emily has no idea what to say, “Do you want to kiss Patrick?” She asks, feeling vaguely off balance like she isn't expecting to have this conversation and also worried about checking on the stove.

“No!” Miranda instinctively knows this is the wrong thing to say and plows on ahead anyway. “But how could I even keep kissing Patrick if the game isn’t real?!!” 

Emily pauses, not sure if she should be the one doing this, “Well,” She begins, coming to put her hand on Miranda’s shoulder, “you could date him”. Miranda seems not to take this in, her eyes finding the kissing game family poster and seemingly rooted there. Without a word Miranda goes to the poster, touching the recent additions next to her name. Emily watches Miranda smile at the poster before remembering that the burner is on and rushing to make sure she didn't burn the butter in the pan. 

 

When Patrick comes back later that day Miranda is waiting for him by the curb. Even though she had been watching out for him, when Patrick pulls up she’s in an elaborate fantasy that involves her (obviously) and a theme park with Miranda rides. She only notices him when he rings the bell right next to her. 

“Ow Patrick!” She yells, “That was too close to my ear!” Patrick’s face instantly changes from her favorite expression to worry and Miranda regrets her harsh reaction. 

“Oh sorry Miranda.” 

“Well, that’s ok Patrick, just don’t do it again.” He seems to be waiting for her to do something, but when she only gets up from her seated position Patrick gets her a Froze Toes. Miranda eats it slower than usual, not sure how she’ll tell Patrick what she wants to. But even Miranda eating slowly is still much faster than the average human, and too soon Patrick pops the bubble she makes. He reaches for her face, and Miranda thinks about playing the kissing game with him, and pretending Emily didn't just ruin her life for the hundredth time, but Miranda knows for Patrick she has to come clean; lying is wrong. 

“Patrick!” She says, and his hands instantly drop, like he was expecting her to stop him. Miranda takes a moment to think that’s how he’s been acting this whole time, like at any moment Miranda would call it off and the kissing would end. 

“Yes Miranda?” He asks.

“I have to tell you something.” She starts, and watches his face fall from hopeful to worried. “My family was very rude and mean and they played a trick on me to keep a huge secret from me.” Patrick looks lost, like he was not expecting this conversation and is very confused.

“Um, ok.”

“Yeah. They told me they were playing the kissing game and I really wanted to win and since we’re not related kissing you was worth 16 points.” Miranda can tell the moment Patrick goes from confused to understanding, because they’re standing really close to each other, and Miranda is paying really close attention to his face. Only instead of looking happy at understanding her, he looks crushed, like she did when she found out most magic isn’t real. “So that’s why I kept kissing you. And then today I found out it isn’t even a real game and I'm still figuring out how I'm going to punish everyone for tricking me because it’s a very wrong thing to do!” Miranda checks Patrick’s face to see if he agrees with her, and he looks so upset Miranda knows he understands. “But um maybe since the game isn’t real you didn’t know why I was kissing you so I had to tell you why.” Patrick now looks like he’s going to cry, and his mouth moves in so many different shapes Miranda can’t tell what it’s going to land on. He won’t look at her, even though they’re standing so close. It's what forces the next words out, the ones she's afraid to say. “But um Patrick, the thing is, well um, well I wish the game was real. Because I don’t want to stop.. kissing you.” Patrick’s eyes move back to hers, and his hands, twisting from spread fingers to tight fists, move to her shoulders, only they’re holding her so softly, and his mouth looks like it wants to smile but it won’t start yet. 

“Really?” He asks, and Miranda thinks it’s the most beautiful word in the human language, the way he says it. She takes a step closer so there's no room between them, and she has to look all the way up to see his eyes. 

“Really.” She repeats, and then amends herself, “Well kind of really because also I want a new rule for the game. Rule 5: Only Miranda and Patrick are the players.” She stops talking then, waiting for his response, hoping he’ll agree. Sometimes Patrick's so hard to read with all the words he won’t say and how he stares at her. 

But this time it’s easy because Patrick smiles so wide and happy there's no other sneaky emotion and whispers, 

“Let’s play.” And then when he kisses her Miranda is sure he should get fifty points for that kiss alone. But she won't tell him that; she still wants to win. 

End.


End file.
